Melanie Klein (1882-1960) is one of the most influential figures in Psychoanalysis. In her famous work ‘Envy and Gratitude’, she teaches us that the opposite of love is not hate, but envy.  Klein shows us that to have happier, healthier relationships, we first have to understand our feelings of envy.

As a pioneer of child psychology, Klein’s work on envy is rooted in the complex emotional relationship between Baby & Mother.  Klein believed that the first emotions experienced by a newborn are love and envy.  Love for the mother that's providing nourishment, care, and protection, and envy at their utter dependency on caregivers for wellbeing.  For the first few months of life, babies see-saw between a blissful state of pure love in the arms of their mother and a rageful anxiety caused by hunger or some other discomfort that they have no control over. For a child, envy often comes out in destructive behaviors towards their parents, like biting, ignoring, deliberately favouring one parent to elicit jealousy, etc. As the child matures, a wide emotional landscape emerges, bringing them beyond the binary feelings of love and envy; however, Klein believed that envy carries through into adulthood with sometimes devastating effects.

Understanding Envy

Envy is a complex emotion stemming from feelings of vulnerability and insecurity.  It's a projected emotion, where an individual attributes their feelings of discomfort to an external source.  With envy, we feel our sense of self is under attack, and we are justified in fighting back and destroying it so it no longer has power over us.

In adulthood, envy urges us to act in ways we know are harmful to people we love.  It's the emotion behind pettiness and name-calling, for example, when hearing about a colleague's promotion, an envious person will badmouth the colleague, questioning if they're clever or hardworking enough for the job, potentially damaging the colleague's reputation.  Envy is usually behind instances where a family member will 'ruin' a wedding by picking a fight or otherwise try to hijack the spotlight from someone else's special moment.  It's often the reason why people cheat on a partner they love; it's an irrational act that destroys something valuable to them.  In its most extreme form, envy is often behind acts of bullying, humiliation, and cruelty.

Overcoming Envy with Gratitude

To overcome envy, we first need to understand envy and the power it has over us.  Instead of blaming someone else or shaming ourselves for our feelings, we should examine what is underlying our envy by accepting the insecurity it triggered.

According to Klein, we can overcome envy by actively exercising gratitude for the things and people we have in our lives.  By spending time appreciating our relationships, we are less likely to feel defensive or victimized.  Self-gratitude is also important to practice; by spending time reflecting on your achievements with self-gratitude, you'll feel more secure about your achievements and less concerned about your perceived status compared to other people.

If envy is the poison to love, gratitude is the antidote.

Jennifer Rafferty