06/04/26
Melanie Klein (1882-1960) is one of the most influential figures in Psychoanalysis. In her famous work ‘Envy and Gratitude’ she teaches us that the opposite to love is not hate, but envy. Klein shows us that in order to have happier, healthier relationships, we first have to understand our feelings of envy.
As pioneer of child psychology Klein’s work on envy is routed in the complex emotional relationship between Baby & Mother. Klein believed that the first emotions experienced by a newborn is love and envy. Love for the mother that's providing nourishment, care and protection, and envy at thier utter dependency on caregivers for wellbeing. For the first few months of life, babies seesaws between a blissful state of pure love in the arms of their Mother, to a rageful anxiety caused by hunger or some other discomfort that have no control over. For a child envy often comes out in destructive behaviours towards their parents, like biting, ignoring, deliberately favouring one parent to elicit jealousy etc. As the child matures, a wide emotional landscape emerges which bringing them beyond the binary feelings of love and envy, however Klein believed that envy carries through into adulthood with sometimes devastating effects.
Understanding Envy
Envy is a complex emotion stemming from feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. It's a projected emotion, where an individual attribute their feelings of discomfort to an external source. With envy we feel our sense of self is under attack and we are justified in fighting back and destroy it so it doesn't have power over us any more.
In adulthood, envy urges us to act in ways we know are harmful to people we love. It's the emotion behind pettiness and name calling, for example when hearing about a colleagues promotion an envious person will bad mouth the colleague, questioning if they're clever or hardworking enough for the job potentially damaging the colleagues reputation. Envy is usually behind instances where a family member with 'ruin' a wedding by picking a fight or otherwise try to hijack the spotlight from someone else's special moment. It's often the reason why people cheat on a partner they love, it's an irrational act that destroys something that's valuable to them. In its most extreme form, envy is often behind acts of bullying, humiliation and cruelty.
Overcoming Envy with Gratitude
To overcome envy, we first need to understanding envy and the power it has over us. Instead of blaming someone else or shaming ourselves for our feelings, we should examine what is underlying our envy by accepting the insecurity it triggered.
- The career we wish we had
- The family we crave
- The life we feel robbed of
According to Klein, we can overcome envy by actively exercising gratitude for the things and people we have in our lives. By spending time appreciating our relationships we are less likely to feel defensive or victimised. Self gratitude is also important to practice, by spending time reflecting on your achievements with self gratitude, you'll feel more secure about our achievements and less concerned of your perceived status to other people.
If envy is the poison to love, gratitude is the antidote.
For more reading on Melanie Kline
Jennifer Rafferty
